It's not fair. and im jealous.

asdfklj;aweiofj

I hate this.

Late night, come home.
Work sucks, I know.

Lolita

I am thinking of aurochs and angels,

And this is the only immortality

you and I

may share,

my Lolita.

Flightless Bird

is the song that's playing now.

Jing Song left yesterday, and he's off to Duke to study some insanely powerful course to prepare him for the Prime Minister role that he will eventually assume. Readers to my blog (yes, the 2 of you) and close friends would definitely know that the USA dream was always something important to me, that I wanted to do (badly).

I just thought I'll post this sms exchange between the two of us

C: Goodbye my lover!

JS: Goodbye my friend )-:

C: Come on Jingsong! This is such an exciting time for you! It's what you always wanted :):) Think of all the times we had, especially spitfire. This isn't goodbye :D Duke will be fun, and after all, we swore to overcome adversity with courage fortitude and determination right? :D

JS: I am blessed to have walked an unimaginable distance with you, cephas. Good bye.

omg my heart melted.

Be strong Jing Song. Live your dreams, and maybe you'll live my dream for me.

I am Jack's Bleeding Heart.

alone, tonight.

because the pain's just too much.

where'd you go

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

10 little toe nails sitting on the wall

I am Jack's Bleeding Heart Nail.

I went for my Ingrown toenail operation today and ouch, it was really painful.

I always thought i was someone that could withstand alot of pain. I have stepped on nails (by accident), stapled my hand, removed a strip of skin from my finger with a knife, sprained both ankles, sprained a wrist, knocked my 2 front teeth out, smashed my nose against a ball till it bled ... but today, as i lay on the operating table, the doctor cut out my toenail, i swear i nearly fainted.

Let me digress by saying that i am no stranger to this surgery, because I have done it before when similarly due to the stresses of impacting a spherical rubber object across plains of grass, my toenails protested and grew into my flesh. I tahaned this pain for a good 2 months before i seeked help and till now i blame this for my poor A div performance. haha.

Today, the doctor started cutting me up when i could still feel the pain.

Me: That hurts, really. Is it supposed to hurt?
Doctor: I think what is meant here is discomfort; Local anaesthetic is like that. Try to bear with it.
Me: Oh god [moans]. This is really painful. I am grabbing myself there are fingernail marks all over my arms. Is it like that?

Nurse: Hang in there, it will be over.

It is after a few minutes of my incessant complaining where i think something snapped and:

Doc: Ok, I am going to give you another shot of painkillers.

The rest of the surgery proceeeded on pretty smoothly after that, but really I was scarred.

My toe hurts :(

We watch the season pull up its own stakes,
And catch the last weekend of the last week,
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced.
Another sun soaked season fades away.

You have stolen my heart.

You're still kinda cute

Well, I don't know if anyone reads this anymore. So its kinda liberating to just type what's been going on in my life.
I guess my perspective on life has really changed alot ever since i entered NS and especially after i commissioned. There's so much more to life than what i thought, and ultimately, your loved ones are the most important.
I am filled with vigor now, to chase my dreams.
But this isn't about me.

It's about my family.
It's about the girlfriend <3
It's about the friends.

As what that giant tagboard in front of Paya Lebar Air Base says,


I am here for a higher purpose.

Roses are Red, Diamonds are Blue

It has been a really harrowing few weeks both at work and in my personal life and I'm glad for this breather. I'm tired, really and everything just keeps on coming. Let us all be cliche and say that 24 hours a day is really not enough. I just finished reading and watching fight club and i must say its such a queer and refreshing story. I am Jack's Bleeding Heart.

It was a silly thought, spurred by impulse, boredom and bragging rights at the local bar. But now, for the *gasp* third time I have finished that #%^%&# 42.195km.

Whoever knew? but I had fun, met up some old friends, walked a great bit with jiahui and lui and ultimately fucked up my knee to an irreparable state and as I finished the race, the only thing in my mind was, again? haha. Let me know if you wanna run. Maybe I'll do something stupid again.

Wanjing's flying off to korea to find the wonder girls and really, im gonna miss her quite badly for the 8 days that she will be gone. I'm going to slit her throat. no. Just kidding. But anyway, her life seems pretty much on track now and I'm glad that her operation and everything worked out well.

My post ORD plans to sing at some orchard road corner with justin seems to be going on quite well and we are playin (in my opinion!) quite well. We have about 5-6 songs now and we're hoping to expand to about 20 before actually committing ourself to it.

KTV LATER!

Hands Down

Its another sunday, and slowly but surely NS is being whittled down. I screwed up today when my phone ran out of batt and I would hate to think what the WOs thought about this young junior officer as they scrambled trying to call me. Sigh.

On another hand, hung is back. Me and Yan went to pick him up at the airport and we had dinner at his place. It's really nice to see him again and he seems so much more mature, so much more of a man now. He and dorcas, I hope they last, cause they do seem happy.

there is just no love from universities for myself and my friends and I curse them, though there's no one to blame other than ourselves.

hahha saw this old pic. grr rachel you pangseh me today hahahahahahah very angry!

):

come back to me

Take your time i wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Its a matter of perception

Cause you choose to see what you don't have,
and I choose to see what I have.

now all I have left is a waitlist, by my suppposed safety school. ahhh the ironies of life. It's like when you tell yourself long enough what you could possibly happen you start to believe in it. It swells and swells till suddenly it bursts and suddenly just crashes into flames. Now, its snap back to reality. The metaphoric cold water is fucking freezing and I'm at a lost. I sound so obnoxious and egoistic and self elitist but in my whole life I have never experienced the feeling of having failed to get what I wanted and despite a lifetime of hardwork, I am going to be consigned to fucking mediocrity and it really is so unfair. Justin and Shawn, 2 people who I think are brilliant both didnt get jack shit. so really who am i to judge myself against them.

I am now at a lost as to what to do next cause I really do not think I can put myself through the emotional trauma of applying to the schools all over again. I really think whats the point becuase in the current economic turmoil much of my parent's slush fund for me has been wiped out. I can't afford it and no scholarship would want my lack of perfect scores. It is perhaps just as well.
Who am I kidding, bright lights, alcohol and smoke does not fill this void. We're empty.
I used to write in my cadet days (read "forced") but now when I look at it my life was really a surreal experience back then. Now, I deal with politics and staff work more than running through the jungle and I do admit I kinda miss the days. I saw my fear when I just started to the pride and passion that I now have for the defence of Singapore. Sigh.

I finally met the love of my life. I can't live without her. She is the air i breathe the water i drink the food i eat without her my life would be empty. I can't express in words what I feel about her but i hope she knows that my feelings for her are true.

Mediocracy

I really am quite worried I am going to end up my life with nothing. I need to be spectacular. Which is so egoistical.

I really am sick of 113. ahhh politics.

My brain's kinda fried given the little hours I have been sleeping and Im trying to update my blog in an easy point.

1. I have met wanjing's parents on a number of occasions and it does sound so silly to gush but I really am hopeful of me and her.

2. Fag didn't get OCS. Im kinda disappointed because I really thought he would make it. So now here's wishing all the best.

3. Late night, come home. Work sucks, I know.

YOU.

Went to visit Wanjing at CGH and I must say im really proud of her. She just cut open her knee, took out 1 tendon, fixed it to her knee as a ligament and she is still able to smile about it. I would be freaked out by now.

It's a gradual kind of love =)
Thailand, here i come!

bright lights

I logged onto facebook last night as I was DO and I saw facebook comments pertaining to the next batch of OCS cadets graduating. I instantly flash back to my times in ocs.
I was so full of hope, where I, the young second lieutenant (YSL) was going to change the world, one charming speech at a time.
I am so jaded now,where I am faced with sluggishness from everyone around.

I really do wish everyone has a chance to go through OCS, no matter your reason. Some people do it for the parade, some people do it for the comms ball, some people do it cause they have pride and some do it because others do it. No matter your motivation, if you approach this the right way, then definitely it would benefit you.

As I through my peaked cap into the sunset, In that one moment I saw myself carrying keith on a stretcher, grunting for dear life as the unforgiving metal cut into my skin and muscles.
I saw how I lost love, and found new love again.
I saw myself getting a rash on my back that tortured me to no end.
I saw how I did so well in sierra that I got asked to take up scholarship with the SAF.
I also saw how I dug and dug till my hands were blistered in scorpion king where i was covered in mud, rain and sweat.
I rememberd being forced to kneel for about half an hour with my rifle above my head after i had fallen asleep in sentry.
I remembering feeling so ugh-ish when i got posted to signals.
I thought of biang of weisheng, brien, alex and matthew.
I remember bunk2-18A.
I remember nearly passing out from exhaustion during gemini.
I remember walking and walking during spitfire.
I remember joint term where it was so close but still so far.


Now, I'm an officer and my life is much better. but somehow i miss the old days :(

stolenlove

I never did think that I would be the sort. I just had a really enjoyable dinner with w's parents where we went to some stiff upper lip japanese restaurant for some buffet dinner. Other than exploding our bellies, I got to see her parents which was really something new.

I'm never good with awkward thumb twiddling first dinners and hence I was really apprehensive. thank god for NS, where her daddy was some armor officer. we talked quite abit and it broke the ice.

I like not having to hide.

fear

It's the lunar new year and the year is going at full speed ahead. It's moving fast, and I think my NS experience will end soon enough.

It's amazing how one offhand remark by that one person can affect me this badly.

With every appearance by you, blinding my eyes,
I can hardly remember the last time I felt like I do.
You're an angel disguised.

And you're lying real still,
but your heart beat is fast just like mine.
And the movie's long over,
that's three that have passed, one more's fine.









I just had the most most most enjoyable soccer session I have
ever had for a few months today.To see 7 years of understanding translate
 into movement and passing on the pitch is quite a wonderful feeling I must say.
Yan fong was really emoish today and I don't blame him. Enlisting's tough,
on the body and especially on the mind.  To suddenly lose your friends and family
 to go to a hostile unfamiliar domain can be tough. I do hope he becomes an officer,
because he really deserves it. I hope my parade has inspired him, that all the shit is worth it.

Im really feeling super melancholic now, and I do miss you.

cause you take me by the heart when you take me by the hand

You should know it's true.
Just now, the part about my love for you,
And how my hearts about to burst,
Into a thousand pieces.
So, it must be true.
And they'll believe us too soon.

Baby, it's fact,
Our love is true.
The way black is black,
And blue is just blue.
My love is true,
It's a matter of fact.
Oh, and you love me too.
It's a simple as that.
Baby, our love is true.